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Graham Borwell

Posted : 31/01/2008 21:33

Subject : To Tour or Not to Tour ?

TO TOUR OR NOT TO TOUR? And how to do the Muffin Man

I WAS only able to do one and a half Ashford Cricket Club Tours. They were always during term time except, for some reason, on those two occasions. My advice would be to go and experience the special blend of a group of cricketers of all ages going on tour. Start saving. You can expect the unexpected and be amazed at the performance both on and off the field of fellow members who proved to be capable of the most unusual antics. It's not very good form to publish what should be kept within the four walls of the tour hotel. As two of the many many tour stories involved myself, I suppose it is permissible to talk about them. We were playing at Redditch on the Thursday of the tour and I'd been asked to captain the side by the tour selection committee - George Brann. As George normally skippered the side, I presumed that one too many bottles of Baileys had been consumed the night before.Considering the state of some of the eleven on the field, we were getting along quite well. Several wickets had fallen and it was looking like an early finish. John Puxley was keeping wicket and in a moment of madness, I asked Captain Hagerty to bowl his slow stuff - he wasn't capable of anything else. After an over or two, Puxley started playing peek-a-boo with the captain. At which point,the game plan fell apart as fielders grew into a helpless state of giggles mainly fuelled by alcohol and the batsmen suddenly decided to go for it.

Redditch ended up at tea with over 250, at least 100 more than they should have had. I wasn't best pleased! Towards the end of their innings, I was getting heavy hints from David Stoodley that he wanted to open -didn't think he had had a fair crack of the whip... hardly had a bat and had come on tour to play some cricket.. After half an hour of badgering at the end of each over and during tea, I finally agreed and I went three. At the end of tea, I was paying in the tea money and giving numbers for supper -everyone else was asleep - when Stoodles and David Flawn went out to bat. Stoodles faced the first ball and was bowled middle stump. I had no pads on and was far from ready. He was running off the field and before I was walking out to the middle, was seen driving off into the sunset. When I got to the middle, I asked David what the problem was with Stoodles. Oh, don't you know?, everyone else does, he has a hot date tonight. My temper didn't improve much but my batting did and I went on to score a most glorious hundred. Well, I would say that wouldn't I?We managed to win the game and for supper we were treated to black pudding sandwiches -the kent boys were very impressed.

The two years I toured, we stayed at the Giffard Hotel in the centre of Worcester. Surrey County Cricket Club were lucky enough to enjoy our company - they were sent to bed everynight at 10.30 pm by Capt Hagerty. The bar was kept open until the last one left, which was normally breakfast time. After one really good session, it seemed like a good idea to go onto the large roundabout in front of the hotel where there was a flag pole with a flag on it. The idea was to put our Ashford flag up there instead. Lookouts were posted at all the roads into the roundabout and John Williams (the non-cricketer) and myself would change the flags. Problem, the rope was tied half the way up the pole in anticipation of the said event. Well, If I stood on John's shoulders, I could, we thought, reach it. John wasn't too steady and nor was I, but after 3 or 4 attempts, we managed to inch up the pole. Almost at the rope and there was a shout, the police were on their way. I jumped and ran off and John fell to the ground. He stood up and hid behind the flagpole - a bit sticking out one side and a bit sticking out the other. The patrol car did three tours, very slowly, of the roundabout and stopped. John had been inching his way around the pole, a little like a lap dancer, well, not really. The police shouted :'come out, we can see you'.

An article about touring certainly would not be complete without a mention of George Brann and Bert Palmer. As far as I'm aware, neither missed a tour, George mainly organising it - appointing a Tour manager, selecting teams, hoping that most people were involved in some way. Obviously, the bigger the party, the more problematic it became. Bert was really the heart and soul of the tour. He knew most of the opposition and always had a great deal to say. He was also very good in seing that everyone was involved, younger members on their first tour were soon coached out of their 'shyness'. George at home was a model of sobriety but on tour , once he got the scent of a bottle of Baileys, there was no holding him back. Before too many Baileys had been consumed, enough to make him both legless and speechless, he would levy the day's fines and award the Vikings helmet to the most deserving dope of the day. Having put his little notebook away and collected the fines, he continued in his search for the bottom of the bottle of Baileys he had hidden away.

Bertie meanwhile, quietly drank a half or two and did his rounds involving everyone in his conversation - an art sadly missing in the younger generation. At about 2.00am, after a good night at the host club and then back at the hotel bar, Bert would perform the unforgettable Muffin Man. He would balance a half of beer on his head, lower himself to the ground and lie there with the half pint still balanced on his head. He would then get to his feet, take the half off his head and drink it. Try it! It was always an amazing sight at 2.00 in the morning.

The conclusion to all this is : get yourself on tour, expect the unexpected and have an unforgettable time